Stephanie Yanes didn’t think she’d need to go on a national TV show to find a husband, but it sure didn't hurt. After joining an episode of Project Runway dedicated to designing for people with eczema, Yanes said it gave her the self-esteem jolt she needed.
In addition to making something skin-friendly for people with eczema, the designers wanted to help Yanes look sexy and possibly “Find her a husband!” While she’s still on the market, the show allowed Yanes to see that she is beautiful (skin patches and all!) and more than worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.
Dating and Eczema
More than 31 million Americans have eczema, which makes it more common than you might think. However, it doesn’t mean that living — and dating — with it is easy.
“There were times when my eczema was flaring badly, and I didn’t feel comfortable dating at all,” says Yanes. “I’ve learned that was OK. I needed that time to heal and be around loved ones.” Other times, Yanes says, while her skin wasn’t perfect, she’d still go on the date with a “take it or leave it” mindset. “If someone isn’t accepting of me, eczema and all, they’re simply not for me. I know the right person will see the whole me.”
Not everyone will understand why you might itch so often or why your skin looks the way it does. “It can be embarrassing,” says Yanes. “I’ve tried to cover my skin in the past, but when it’s on my face, that makes it tough.”
Eczema is a type of inflammatory condition that can make your skin dry, itchy, and cause rashes, blisters, and infection if not controlled. While often used as an umbrella term, eczema has seven types. It’s not contagious, and there is no cure.
Info With Dinner
Helping those you're in a relationship with understand your eczema can go a long way. Nearly 10% of the American population has some form of eczema, which leaves about 90% who may have less understanding of the condition.
You may have an easier road by sharing the facts about eczema and how it might impact your dating life:
- There is no cure.
- It’s not contagious. (But if you have open and infected wounds, the infection could be contagious).
- Flares can be unpredictable.
- Extreme temperatures or stress can trigger a flare.
- It can be hard to sleep.
- Your itching can be intense.
Having a basic understanding of your condition may make dates more sensitive if you need to think of different ways to get to know each other.
It may be helpful, too, to share things that can trigger a flare, such as certain fabrics, metals, pet dander, insects, extreme temperatures (hot or cold), fragrances, or stress.
It may also help to let a date know that you may look, act, and feel differently when you’re having a flare versus when you’re not.
Doctor or Dating Coach?
One of the most important things you can do to help your dating and social life with eczema is to get the proper diagnosis and treatment.
“It’s so important to understand that while eczema shows up on the skin, it exists in the immune cells,” says Jenny Murase, MD, a dermatologist and associate clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF). “If you’re not addressing the immune cells, the skin, and the nervous system, your eczema may not be fully controlled.”
Finding a board-certified dermatologist and finding a treatment plan that addresses the full scope of eczema is key. Doing this can help reduce flares and make life — including dating life — a little easier. But be careful where you go. “There are so many skin clinics popping up all over that do not have board-certified dermatologists,” says Murase. “While they may be able to help with the look of your skin, they won’t have the expertise to get to the root problem.”
Having the Talk
‘It’s complicated’ might describe your dating life, but it doesn’t have to be when you talk to your date about your eczema.
It’s up to you when you bring up eczema to a date or potential partner. “It’s not an ethical thing, like if you have an STD and need to share that,” says Murase. “Nor is it a safety issue, say if you had diabetes, where you could fall into an emergency situation.”
The only time you should share is if your skin is infected with open sores because an infection (not your eczema) can be contagious with skin-to-skin contact.
Otherwise, when you have the talk is up to you. Some prefer earlier in the relationship to avoid any awkward moments later. Others prefer to build trust first and slowly reveal.
If you know your eczema may flare unexpectedly or be a barrier to spending time with a date, it may help to give them a heads up. Their response may pleasantly surprise you — or it may be all you need to move on!
“I’m usually up-front early on. I let people know that I have a gluten sensitivity, which often naturally leads to a conversation about my eczema on a first or second date,” says Yanes. “Most people are very open and understanding. It can take more time for me to share how severe it can be during flare-ups, but lately, many people find out through my social media, where I speak openly about it. I’ve actually had some very kind and supportive responses, which have been reassuring.”
The Plus of Plus One
Dating can already be tough. Add eczema, and it ups the challenge. But it’s not all bad. Having someone by your side can be a plus for someone with a chronic condition like eczema.
I’m always impressed when I have sometimes severe eczema patients come in, and how supportive the partners are,” says Murase. “It’s a condition that a couple may live with versus it being a one-sided thing.” Someone you're dating may visually see what you’re going through and how your overall well-being is impacted with a chronic itch or sleep deprivation.
“The partners I see often want to do what they can to be helpful,” says Murase. At times, a partner may reveal more about your condition than you may even notice – like how often you scratch and for how long. These clues often help doctors prescribe the right treatment. Your potential partner can:
- Encourage healthy behavior
- Be an advocate in and outside of doctor visits
- Provide emotional support
- Be an extra pair of eyes and ears in doctor visits
Dating Tips With Eczema
Share the facts. Some people think eczema is contagious since it involves the skin. A simple conversation and sharing information about eczema can help defray anxiety with your date. People may not know how frequently (and sometimes aggressively) you may scratch during a flare. Letting them know the types of things that may come up with your eczema may do the trick.
Prep for dates. Getting ready for a date with eczema may mean more than getting your makeup perfect or your tie just right. You may find that dressing for the weather and having indoor activities in mind may help. Or for adult sleepovers, consider letting your date know that you may scratch in your sleep.
Smart sex. Some areas may be more sensitive for people with eczema, like the nipples, and could become irritated. Consider treating the area with a topical steroid or an ointment like Vaseline. The labia can be irritated during sexual intercourse, or in general, but there are medications for this area of your body, says Murase.
Work on you. If you feel embarrassed or anxious about dating with eczema, you’re not alone. Research on dermatology patients (including eczema) shows that people with chronic skin conditions often have lower self-esteem and lower perceived social support compared with people without skin disorders.
A counselor experienced in working with people with chronic illness may also help you build skills to grow your self-esteem.
“Having confidence and a strong sense of self-worth is essential when dating, especially when you live with a visible skin condition like eczema,” says Yanes. “Dating can already feel vulnerable and discouraging at times, so being grounded in self-love helps you not tie your value to how your skin looks on any given day.”
